For the past twelve months I have been unemployed and my
outlook on life is pretty bleak at this point. I have spent hours and hours sat
at my laptop writing and rewriting my CV and Cover letters, and even more hours
trawling the internet searching for suitable job vacancies. Add to that all the
time spent at appointments in the Job Centre, (Which are useless) and now,
appointments at Ingeus my local work program, and I am well a truly pissed off!
After suffering from Depression for several years and struggling
to cope in my last job as a Cashier in a bank, I was sacked. I must
admit that at the time I felt rather relieved. The stress and general
unhappiness I felt during my time at the bank made my depression and panic
attacks worse and I felt totally out of my depth. The morning when I was
sacked, I left my job feeling like a crushing weight had been lifted off my
chest and I could finally breathe a little easier. The drive home felt relaxing, but I knew that
after only living in my own home for the past three months, that I had rent and
bills to worry about, something that I was only just beginning to get used to.
As soon as I got home I had to make the shameful call to the
Job Centre claim department to start my new claim for Job Seekers Allowance and
Housing Benefit. Throughout the call I
kept telling myself that this would only be a temporary solution, and that I
would probably get another job very soon. However being unemployed felt good
for the first couple of weeks, it felt like the rest and recuperation I very
much needed. Initially I had intended to relax and not apply for too many jobs
straight away, so that I could have some time to myself. After an hour’s
commute every day to a job I didn’t like, I felt I was entitled the break, even
if the government required me to start looking for work straight away. What I
didn’t anticipate was that sitting around an empty house all day, bored stiff
and with nothing to do, would only give me more time to think about the
consequences of losing my job and the financial hardship that would follow.
After my first signing at the job centre I was told that I
had to apply for a minimum of five jobs per week, or ten every fortnight,
whichever way you chose to look at it, and I was given an appointment with a
Personal Advisor whose job it was to help me find work. Now during all of this
I was still on anti-depressant medication and feeling pretty crappy about
myself, even with the temporary feelings of relief after leaving my job. The childish part of myself rather
foolishly believed that everything would be fine and I would find another job
soon enough, while the adult part of myself was secretly worried that I might
be in over my head and that I might not be able to find another job quite so
easily now that I had a termination on my record.
Many, many appointments with my Personal Advisor later
(which rather felt like groundhog day) I was still unemployed, and getting
absolutely nowhere. The main bulk of my appointments were spent discussing jobs
I had applied for during my time between signing days, and looking at yet more
jobs for me to apply for once I had left the appointment. I felt sure that every last job I applied for
would be the job I would get, but I would never even hear back from the
employers. This became my greatest annoyance, and it did little to inspire me
to spend my days writing letters imploring employers to hire me. There was only
so much rejection I could take before I fell further into depression, and this
time I felt so bad it was all I could do to get out of bed, let alone get
dressed or shower...
Let’s fast forward through months of sleeping all day,
crying and trips to the doctors. I was
still unemployed, and now, not even in a mentally healthy state to be working.
I had asked a GP(not my usual GP) to sign me off because I felt that there was
no point in actually looking for work if I was unwell as I would not be able to
start a new job anyway. The Doctor told me that he was very reluctant to sign
off someone my age for depression because he believed it would lead to me being
out of work for a long time, because this is what typically happened (his
opinion). So despite my ongoing battle with depression for several years and
the more recent anxiety attacks, this doctor had decided that it would be more
unhealthy for a ‘young girl’ like myself to continue to be unemployed and that
by getting back to work I would find some ‘purpose’ in my life which would
magically make me all better.
